Thursday, 6 June 2019

Living Life with Courage and Conviction

By Karen Alexander

 Post 2 of 4 Part Series

The meaning of words, used in our existence will have a different emotional context in each person’s life. Depending upon the perceptions arrived at from the trials they have endured and overcome in their own life. It is an indicator of experiences endured and finding the inner soul and spirit which makes the person whole. Words used like resilience cannot convey adequately the human emotion associated with human endurance. To appreciate the depth of understanding is to be felt and lived. We can never describe it in a satisfactory manner; it's like describing human emotions but in 3D.

When given the terminal diagnosis, my family had never had a reason to challenge these preconceived perceptions, reinforced over time by society. Family came to stay for a couple of months expecting me to die. When I didn’t, they departed; they had their lives to lead, and I was taking forever to die. 

This was another blow to my worth as a person. The medical prognosis of life expectancy was more believable than my worth as a person and lacked any recognition of my fighting spirit. 
My father left his funeral suit hanging in our house for four years. My days were filled, with the fight for the right to live and not die according to another belief system, not similar to my own.

To find the words to describe the emotional trauma I endured. The experience was similar to being held under water by the people expecting me to die, while telling me I was going to die, when my only thought was to struggle and gulp fresh air to enable me to live. I felt like they had held me under water for too long. Eventually I realized that ‘hope’ was something I had to give myself. 

I thrashed around emotionally for a long time to find sense and balance and the fresh air needed in my life before deciding to leave the medical system which was dooming me with biased and limited beliefs. I have not sought medical advice for nearly eleven years now, and I have not been able to claim one product, or item, from our medical system or private health care system which has improved my health over this time. This became an unreasonable burden to my sense of honesty, truth and justice deep within my psyche. These qualities were supposed to be the foundation of our government and medical systems, put in place by people in power. The people who could lead and show all the qualities I was desperately searching for.

I hope by now you will understand the level of commitment and how I celebrated - usually alone. Every little win and every little goal ticked off in my list of To Do’s. One of the hardest tasks proved to be removing an addictive steroid they had prescribed me, and combating the depression, pain and tears. It took eighteen months to get remove the drug totally out of my life. When the porta-cath (a device in my chest used for injecting drugs) became blocked. Its removal was another milestone I celebrated, because it meant I was no longer forced to go anywhere near a hospital or doctor, or to endure the repeated words of ‘terminal’ and ‘incurable’.

I celebrated my achievements on survival each month I outlived their expectations. Then I celebrated the six-month mark, and finally after six years, back to counting in years. 

It was finding the grit, on the days when my depression and emotions of grieving for my own expected death hit hardest. I knew I couldn’t seek emotional support from anyone… anywhere. If I went to an organisation for assistance, they would only refer me back to the medical system I was trying to escape from, and no one in my small trusted circle of friends had ever experienced a life crisis similar to mine.

Isolating myself proved to be the best thing I could have done. Although at the time it seemed very painful removing the friendships, and relationships I had nurtured and treasured for years. This included old school friends and work mates. I focused totally on my health and became proficient at practicing meditation. 

Spending my time researching, all the natural healing to be found in the cosmos. 

Resulting in - building blocks on foods, and what worked for me. I learnt to listen to my intuition.

Through the experience of being so close to death, I found the intuitive healer from within had come to my rescue. The real me was discovered, a Sensitive, also known as an Intuitive. I had never previously been encouraged as a child to explore these qualities and gifts about myself. I learnt how to heal the emotional traumas from my life’s accumulation of hurts, to give myself permission to heal, and to have hope. I learnt about innate awareness.

I live a life filled with fascination of how things work and human responses to situations, words and environments. To create something from emptiness grants a sense of achievement and love of the inner world, by using my own ideas and not bowing to the pressures from society trying to make me conform.

 A twisted tree in all its non-conformity is an apt description of my shape and form. To understand the storm, I have weathered will give you a glimpse of the person who is here today.


Living Life with Courage & Conviction TM

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