"Willpower" is something you discover within
yourself, when you become sick and tired of being labelled according to other
people’s perceptions and abilities. Other people is the term meaning
- referring to well people who don't
have a medical label placed on them.
I am a born and
bred rebel, who detests other people telling me what I can and can’t do. People who haven't been in my shoes - not even
close. Dosing me with clichés and chit chat which is surface grit. Annoying at
best, like the sand that finds itself into your bikini or swimming togs when
you are at the beach. Grating and irritating, rubbing the sensitive spots raw
all the time.
Most of all I
detested people who tried to smother me with sympathy. I wanted action and I
wanted results!
Action and results are
the mindset and self-talk I give to myself. No one else in my family or close
friends were diagnosed with incurable terminal cancer with the bonus of being
labelled disabled. As I have mentioned willpower was an amazing discovery. I
never knew I had.
Being medically
disabled flowed on to me becoming socially disabled. I didn’t have years to accustom myself to the changes in my
body. I was too careless and didn’t heed the warning signs. I loved life and
crammed it full every waking minute. Now the problem was identified, and I
focused put my thoughts about how to go about fixing it.
When an
acquaintance threw a bucket of cold water on me and told me on a self-pity
party moment. That everything I experienced in my life at that point, was
everything I asked for or let happen. After a few of days going through the
denial stages. I finally admitted if I let all this happen to me and my current
circumstances. Then it was time I grew a back bone stopped being so easy to get
along with. I always admired people who draw this conclusion and change their
lives so elegantly and make it look so easy.
I was more like the person with gumboots stomping around in a muddy pig pen.
So crass and sooo.. undignified!
I stomped and cried
and battled an emotional tsunami wave of emotions not just over days, but it
took weeks and months. A real battle of the Titans between the changes I wanted
to make emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritual tagged along as the
bonus.
The thing about the
intangible willpower everyone has hidden in them, is that it doesn’t surface until you put action to thought. You can
lie to yourself and other people of the positive thoughts etc, but the
willpower is yours and yours alone. Not a parent from our younger years,
wanting us to succeed in a science project or essay assignment. No one can help
you, it is time to build whatever mental bridge to get over the doubts and
fears from holding you back.
Some days I would
agonise over, doing all this hard work mentally and physically only to find
myself slipping backwards - it would be a crushing blow to be sure. There again
it was up to me to ensure to not slip backwards. The words never give up should
have been tattooed on my forehead, because it was certainly tattooed in my
soul.
I mourned the
friends and acquaintances I thought I had. I learnt who of my friends had grit
and who didn’t; it was a long time of mourning and
coming to terms with my labels. I became a recluse; you understand, like the
hermit or a person who doesn’t leave the house, what was the point. I had
become invisible in society. No one wanted to talk to someone who would die in
a couple of months. I was not worth their valuable time.
It has been
thirteen years since the woeful soul searching person wrote the above words. I
have gained a great deal of experience with the quiet times spent in
reflection. I have learnt a great deal about myself and the rest of the world.
Without the hard
times there is no way I would be enjoying the pain free world I live in today.
I am grateful and so very happy. I never gave up on myself when everyone around
me had given up, see… they really
didn’t identify with me at all. And importantly I didn’t have a good perception
of them either. Friendships and the threads that bind us emotionally and
spiritually are clarified.
Discipline was
something I sucked at and had to work hard at maintaining consistency,
especially on the painful days.
It was learning to
recognize, when to push through the procrastination lazy days, and when I had
in fact pushed too hard, and when to hold back and rest my back. Frustration
reigned supreme on many days, the doubts of never getting better. I developed
affirmations to short rhythmic beats to drown out the doubting voice within me.
I write these words
of my past to encourage and assist others who are currently going through the
various stages with their health problems. As an empath I feel for you and all
I can do is to send these encouraging words to transmit HOPE!
If you can't make the changes look simple and elegant.
Then give yourself permission to stomp around in the mud and be crass. There is
no judgement and no right or wrong.
The focus is on results and the outcome, at the end of
this process.
Do what is right for YOU!
Either way forge yourself in fire and burn brightly.
Stay Strong!
Karen
Astounding Grace
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