Sunday, 1 September 2019


"Willpower" is something you discover within yourself, when you become sick and tired of being labelled according to other peoples perceptions and abilities. Other people is the term meaning  - referring to well people who don't have a medical label placed on them.

I am a born and bred rebel, who detests other people telling me what I can and can’t do. People who haven't been in my shoes - not even close. Dosing me with clichés and chit chat which is surface grit. Annoying at best, like the sand that finds itself into your bikini or swimming togs when you are at the beach. Grating and irritating, rubbing the sensitive spots raw all the time.

Most of all I detested people who tried to smother me with sympathy. I wanted action and I wanted results!

Action and results are the mindset and self-talk I give to myself. No one else in my family or close friends were diagnosed with incurable terminal cancer with the bonus of being labelled disabled. As I have mentioned willpower was an amazing discovery. I never knew I had.

Being medically disabled flowed on to me becoming socially disabled. I didn’t have years to accustom myself to the changes in my body. I was too careless and didn’t heed the warning signs. I loved life and crammed it full every waking minute. Now the problem was identified, and I focused put my thoughts about how to go about fixing it.

When an acquaintance threw a bucket of cold water on me and told me on a self-pity party moment. That everything I experienced in my life at that point, was everything I asked for or let happen. After a few of days going through the denial stages. I finally admitted if I let all this happen to me and my current circumstances. Then it was time I grew a back bone stopped being so easy to get along with. I always admired people who draw this conclusion and change their lives so elegantly and make it look so easy.  I was more like the person with gumboots stomping around in a muddy pig pen. So crass and sooo.. undignified!

I stomped and cried and battled an emotional tsunami wave of emotions not just over days, but it took weeks and months. A real battle of the Titans between the changes I wanted to make emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritual tagged along as the bonus.

The thing about the intangible willpower everyone has hidden in them, is that it doesn’t surface until you put action to thought. You can lie to yourself and other people of the positive thoughts etc, but the willpower is yours and yours alone. Not a parent from our younger years, wanting us to succeed in a science project or essay assignment. No one can help you, it is time to build whatever mental bridge to get over the doubts and fears from holding you back.

Some days I would agonise over, doing all this hard work mentally and physically only to find myself slipping backwards - it would be a crushing blow to be sure. There again it was up to me to ensure to not slip backwards. The words never give up should have been tattooed on my forehead, because it was certainly tattooed in my soul.

I mourned the friends and acquaintances I thought I had. I learnt who of my friends had grit and who didn’t; it was a long time of mourning and coming to terms with my labels. I became a recluse; you understand, like the hermit or a person who doesn’t leave the house, what was the point. I had become invisible in society. No one wanted to talk to someone who would die in a couple of months. I was not worth their valuable time.

It has been thirteen years since the woeful soul searching person wrote the above words. I have gained a great deal of experience with the quiet times spent in reflection. I have learnt a great deal about myself and the rest of the world.

Without the hard times there is no way I would be enjoying the pain free world I live in today. I am grateful and so very happy. I never gave up on myself when everyone around me had given up, see… they really didn’t identify with me at all. And importantly I didn’t have a good perception of them either. Friendships and the threads that bind us emotionally and spiritually are clarified.

Discipline was something I sucked at and had to work hard at maintaining consistency, especially on the painful days.

It was learning to recognize, when to push through the procrastination lazy days, and when I had in fact pushed too hard, and when to hold back and rest my back. Frustration reigned supreme on many days, the doubts of never getting better. I developed affirmations to short rhythmic beats to drown out the doubting voice within me.

I write these words of my past to encourage and assist others who are currently going through the various stages with their health problems. As an empath I feel for you and all I can do is to send these encouraging words to transmit HOPE!

If you can't make the changes look simple and elegant. Then give yourself permission to stomp around in the mud and be crass. There is no judgement and no right or wrong.

The focus is on results and the outcome, at the end of this process.
Do what is right for YOU!

Either way forge yourself in fire and burn brightly.

Stay Strong!


Astounding Grace

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